Backache and Soulshine.

My buddy and I have been laying the plumbing for a video/photography company here in Troy. The partnership has had it's fair share of personality grindings, compromises, and periods of both explosive productivity and slack. The pressure is on, considering how key this is to our survival. (Survival meaning self-generated fortune, independant of "The Man". It's been an adventure. I think that it will be successful. Either way, the lifestyle resounds with my particular way of being, so even if it doesn't, it will be a righteous ride.

My body has taken to travelling again. I have found the way to make the time to visit values ones in NY and MA. I have broken out of the Troy bubble enough to love the mountains and windey roads. The wide open roads.

My lower back aches from studio construction, heavy lifting, and bending. My apetite has grown with my soreness, and I sleep soundly with the satisfaction that comes with physical accomplishment.

The scent of love and trust tickle my nostrils, but remain (still) our of reach. This blodhound knows that that it's there. The breeze speaks in fact and promise. Continue Reading…

Posted by Administrator on Feb 21, 2005

Straight Feedback.

I just re-read this old entry tonight and was stricken with nostalgia. I used to write with raw, bristling, honest passion. It was the one of the first times that Evan was thick in turmoil. It was confusing re-reading it. I wonder if I have lost some of that passion, or if the more even-keel of my modern self is simply a sign of maturity from the knocks of experience.

This lead me to re-read a bunch of my old writings on here. I noticed an unmistakable tone of low-key darkness. I consider myself pretty happy-go-lucky and optimistic and determined and non-wallowy and all that, so this caught me as a surprise. Why wasn't I perkier more often? Am I just one of the countless angsty internet blogheads wallowing in exhibitionist self-pity? (I don't think that I am one of these.) Why do I even do this? And yet, my fingers move.

So in the spirit of self-discovery through brutally honest disclosure, I dedicate the rest of this post to dedicated readers who started reading koax.org for this reason.

I moved out of my beautiful victorian apartment January first. It didn't really hit me that I was leaving it until I had finished cleaning, moved every last bit out, and had the keys in my hand to lock it up and slide the keys under the door for the very last time. It was like a near death experience of sorts. A parting. A goodbye. The memories of the past two years came rushing back in rapid succession. The memories were in the form of still-frame images and feelings. Each lingered for just a moment - just enough time for the complex details of each one to fill up my active consciousness, before the next one bumped it out of it's place and did the same. An obnoxiously impatient slide-show.

One of my last actions was to look into my own eyes in the mirror over the mantle. I realized that I hadn't given myself a good soul-searching stare in a while. It was a little uncomfortable. My face reflexively made the movements like it was looking at another person. It's amazing how automatic it has become. I was struck by both the unfamiliarity I was with my own face and the absurdity of my face moving in ways that it would move with a stranger.. feeling them out, genuine curiousity mixed with the instinct to make them feel accepted and comfortable. The face looking back was _my_ face. Too weird, too weird.

Standing there, I did a little emotional inventory of myself. This intrigue with darkness - I wonder if others are the same way. I wonder if others find wisdom in other ways. I wonder if I'll ever be satisfied without living with perpetual dissatisfaction with what is known - without a distrust of things that are accepted. Insistent curiosity is a curse? Am I sowing my oats? Is this some programmed growth mechanism that hasn't yet ebbed? Will it ever ebb? I crave simplicity and comfort, but the only simplicity and comfort I seem to be reliably capable of supplying for myself is the comfort in the self-supplying of unpredictability .. novelty .. and chaos. I wonder if I'll ever be capable of anything else. I wonder how much of this is me, and how much of it is my "path". If fate is real, then I wonder how much of this has been in store for me from the beginning of time. I've been happy in order before. I wonder if a wave of order will sweep me on into the distance. I wonder if I'll have a mate, and if so, what she'll be like. Will she share a similar masochistic curiosity? Will she have a similar darkness inside her? Or will it be more of a complementary-yet-respectfully-understanding type thing?

Re-reading that entry, I was embarassed by the words, just as I'm sure I'll be embarassed by these, looking back at them in 4 years from now.

Writing this was good. I'm glad that I did this. And I realize that it was rather tortured and dark. And I also realize that I found satisfaction in the soul-scraping involved. I do wonder though, whether or not there's another way... I

I wonder whether there's a _better_ way. I wonder how other people get here.

hrmph. Continue Reading…

Posted by Administrator on Feb 04, 2005

New Year Cometh.

remember being lonely
like a needle in a snow bank
stuck

I remember working long and hard
I remember playing
rough

I remember babies and puppy dogs
I remember doors closing and people dying
Glad dad wasn't one

I remember trips never taken
I remember friends at the ends of strings
I remember all kinds of things
I don't remember
enough

I remember that they didn't happen
fuck

I remember puppy dogs and toothless baby smiles

I remember self induced solitude
convinced that it was virtuous
I remember realizing that it was delusion

I remember what is important to me
..and I must continue to

I must
I must
I must Continue Reading…

Posted by Administrator on Jan 13, 2005

Omniupdate.

I never did end up getting together with the crush in the previous journal entry. Lots has happened since that time though. I met a girl who I had a hopeful, but ultimately ill-fated romance of a few months with. It was very good while it lasted, and I am grateful and humbled by the lessons learned. I was introduced to the concepts of Evolutionary Psychology, the virtues of "Jam Band" music, and it served to further clarify which factors "work for me" in a romantic relationship, and which don't. I learned things about myself too - and the nature oflove, and how I conduct myself romantically. I learned a lot, is a surprisingly short amount of time. For this, I am grateful.

I was also laid off from the job where I overachieved and overproduced - where I poured my soul into, in fact - in a tragically comic series of managerial blunders. I am once again free to pick up the pieces, and given again the responsibility to re-center and reform myself into something greater. I am 80% of the way there already, after only two months. I revamped my resume, taken to teaching myself C# (one of the hottest modern programming languages), and re-prioritized time for the people most important to me. I will be visiting many of them this holliday season.

The importance of, "having something to look forward to", and "it is not worth working if you're not working _towards_ something", are two lessons that I have been reminding myself of daily.

Also worth noting, it that I have become a c-span junkie.

Along with a buddy of mine, we have taken on a project to breathe new life into the raw industrial space of an old garment factory into art studios. This is part of a grand revitilization project for the city of Troy. There is a tremendous amount of planning involved. My main responsibility so far has been designing the floor plan of the space. It's very exciting. Hallways, lighting, studio dimensions, blueprints, feng shui, and fancy visual design elements. It's been gobbling up much of my time. I am in hog heaven. We will chronicle the progress as we go, and hopefully put together a short documentary of the project once it's completed. I will also be acquiring a large photography studio, in which I will be setting up shop in my own beloved hometown.

I am again in love with the universe. Continue Reading…

Posted by Administrator on Dec 15, 2004