This day is the best. It's hard to believe that I felt so messed up last night. Today I'm walkin' on a cloud.
Work straightened itself out too. I'm not on the fast track to
the poor house after all. Yay. Now I can bill for Java research. I'm sure this excites you, dear reader, just as much as it excites me.
Ooch! And the weather was beautiful today too. Today was just chock full of beauty. Awww yeah.
And the weekend is upon us. And I'm drinking beer as I type. Life is good. If I were a doggy I'd have a cold nose. I could write for a long long time. And I will.
Posted by Administrator on Mar 24, 2001
I think that a I write disproportionately more when I'm upset. I resisted
the urge to write about this. I thought that it would go away if I ignored it.
Like so many things. Right.
Ok, here goes. The summer of 2000 I dated around, met a lot of people, had a lot of fun,
work was good, and all my ducks were in a row. I was happy being single, happy
in myself, and generally hopeful about the future. Smoothe sailing.
I met a girl who rocked my world. I learned to love again.
Side note: When other people write about love it makes me want to wretch
because we use the word like it means the same to everyone. It doesn't.
I know that. What I mean is that I learned to TRUST.... and opened up all the tender
vulnerable parts. We had emotional intimacy. OK, you get the idea.
So I settled down with her and things were good for a long time. Then things got bad.
Then things got good again. And up and down it went, for a period of 5 months.
About a month before we broke up she began "disengaging". I only know this in
retrospect. I wasn't prepared when she dropped the axe. I was a REAL MESS.
I felt like something the cat drug in. I felt all chewed up.
I talked to a school counselor about it. It really helped. I'm doing much better than I was.
But I sure miss it. I miss what we had. I miss how we cared for each other.
It feels really good to know that someone cares about you that much. I've got
friends now. And they care about me. But it's just not the same.
Is it a character flaw to need other people? I don't think so. I prided myself
on my independence before. I'm not so passionate about that anymore. I was
taught the value of continuity, and structure.. order.. where I thrived on chaos before.
We argued very well. Constructively, you know. She was intelligent. But she attacked me.
and that's not cool. Verbally or psychologically: it's bad shit. I know she didn't mean to.
But that's how the boys before me taught her. "attack or be attacked" - Stupid boys. But I could never stay mad
at her for very long. I still can't.
I care about her.. and I hope she still cares about me. We're in the aftermath now.
The nukes were launched, and all casualties accounted for.
The psychological fallout is raining down like a New York snowstorm. I can't expect anything from her
I think it would be easier to hate her or resent her or be bitter about
the thing. Hypothetically. But I don't have it in me... I have no ill feelings towards her.
I genuinely wish her well. The pain I feel is from the emptiness left in her wake.
I grew up more in the past 5 months, then I have in the previous 22 years.
I realized that I don't handle loss very well. And that I should have lots of people around me
that really care about me that aren't going to go away. And that's not weakness either.
Oh no. It's self understanding.
I think that there are two kinds of pain. Meaningless pain and growing pain. We suffer meaningless pain
for no good reason. Growing pain, we suffer to come out from the other side tempered and stronger
than before. That's what this is. growing pain. I am so convinced.
There were times in my life when I was in a similar position. The forests of the world periodically burn
down (naturally), only for new life to rise from the ashes. My shit just burned down.
And I'm waiting for the page to turn...
Posted by Administrator on Mar 23, 2001
I redesigned the site. Hope you likey like.
Posted by Administrator on Mar 22, 2001
Last night was full of alcohol, loud rock music, and excellent company. I was a
ll dressed up for dancing at one of Austin's fine booty establishments, when I d
ecided to veer into the Red Eyed Fly instead. One of my favorite Austin bands w
as playing with a couple other bands that I had heard before.
That band was
There was a lot of free time before the show, so I chit chatted and boozed it up
with them and a couple other friends of theirs. It was a punk rocky show, and
I was all slicked out like sideburns on an auto-mechanic.
There was this Coors light promotional thing where a prostitute in a black
dress distributed "coozies" to the patrons. I had really mixed feelings
snuggling my $4 imported lager in a Coors coozie. The practical reality
of cold beer, however, outweighed the risk of public humiliation. Yeah.
It was a good time. I met a funny lesbian girl with a New Yawk accent too. She was friggin hilarious. It was like buttah!
I've really gotta visit home soon. My parents are starting to miss me.
I'm moving out of the Bee Cave apartments, and over to the East side of Zilker Park. It's a loft apartment. I figure I should fully embrace bachelorhood, and do all that goofy stuff, like living in a loft apartment while I still have the chance. The old place was just too expensive too. Working part time, I couldn't swing it alone anymore, and there was no prospect for finding a roomate. It was my first apartment.
I need to figure out what I'm going to do next semester. I may work full time to save some money back up. I don't like being this low... I like having options.
I'm painting again. Joy of joys! Things just keep getting better.
Posted by Administrator on Mar 02, 2001