September 2001 Archives
adriana
invited me to be an extra at some movie that they were shooting at
emos today.
natasha and i met up with her and
a couple of her friends on red river, but promptly split as they wouldn't be shooting
for a while, and the pecan street festival was crowded and claustrophobic.
downtown doesn't give me the same kick as it used to. i'm not sure why. i don't need it
anymore to get all the social satisfaction that i require. i'm quite contented by the quality time that i spend with the people that are close to me. i miss that old scene though. i miss those old friends. i miss the adventures.
but not too much. back then i felt like a wounded beast licking my emptyness with alcohol,
companionship, and air hockey. distraction was the word of the day. i don't _need_ that now.
i guess that's what i'm getting at. the bar/club scene for me was very much a habit born of
social needs. now i get my fix elsewhere.
much cheaper too. my liver agrees.
i feel invincible.
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 30, 2001
natasha and i watched "session 9"
tonight at the theatre. i'm not usually one for psychological thrillers, but this one really
got under my skin. i woke up suddenly shortly after going to bed. you know when your whole
body jumps awake and your glands dump adrenaline into your bloodstream to prepare you to
kill of run? it was like that. good movie, good movie.
i'm feeling lots better too. all this exercising and eating better really helps.
i feel stronger just walking up stairs. my arms and legs feel really powerful.
the other night while playing ball with
natasha's friends i hopped fences like they were hedges and did insane skateboard tricks (for me).
i think a lot of people on antidepression meds would do good to get off their lumpy
white ass and sweat a little.
natasha and i ate at the
international house of hop today. we ordered a
"rooty tooty fresh and fruity" - with strawberries. it's the most homosexually named meal i have ever passed through my supple pouty lips.
just thought i'd share.
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 29, 2001
some chick in california linked my smoking pictures and said something to
the effect of, "those wacky brits". and i'm not british, unless my mom
isn't telling me something. weird.
i added some snazzy javascript action to the old
guestbook. cute, huh? i was just tired of people leaving "nameSuzyQ" or "nameDonald Duck" for their name. behold the magical power of programming!
natasha and i went
to an art exhibit on 5th street today. it was disappointing. there were only a few pieces there worth looking at. we got all snazzed up beforehand though, so at least that part was fun. i just love dressing up.
after the lame art we grabbed some spring rolls at whole foods (where the
cashieres were about to devour me), then swung over to the public library.
i checked out a flannery o'conner book of essays and
natasha checked out a
book full of pictures of retarded people.
i think i'm gonna start boogering up this crispy clean layout with a bunch of
links to my old content. that means that the old (green) site is going to
bite the dust. so kiss it goodbye. muah!
i submitted reviews of a few sites to
the weblog review today. if you're a weblog addict, go check em out for your fix.
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 28, 2001
i invited 4 friends out to the "velveeta room" comedy club and 0 showed.
i did, however, meet up with william and ryan and his girlfriend kim.
the show was really good. i just love standup comedy. after, we went
back to ryan's house and watched "saving silverman". it was funny funny.
two thumbs up. your butt.
natasha and jessi and
cristina and I went to play mini-golf tonight, then to Zilker Park to play dodgeball and soccer and run through the sprinklers. it was fun. we skateboarded some too. for living as sedentary as i have been, i'm still amazingly athletic and coordinated.
i just got rated 9.8 on
HotOrNot yesterday for this picture:
that made me smile. and gloat.
i'm trying to figure out how to bring up the rest of the content i have to
this pretty new format. i'm gonna chew on that tonight.
doobie doo.
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 27, 2001
i fully embraced the intoxicating power of the internet today.
tim asked me how to
make a random message feature for his shiney new webpage. i liked it
so much i used one myself. click refresh. fancy, eh? that's javascript. then
cristina
asked me to make her diary site less retarded looking, so i rocked them
shits too. that girl is a riot. you should read both of these sites with
the same passion and fervor that you read mine.
i'm really digging these
cascading style sheets. i was brain damaged not to have implemented them sooner.
my e-friend maia put up a photo gallery if any of you are into photography:
here.
she shoots medium format as well as experimenting with different 35mm
stuff. it's worth a look-see.
i went to a
poetry slam
tonight. i was in too much of a somber/mello mood to fully appreciate
the poetry. it was much too theatrical and flamboyant.
the weather was chilly today. nice and brisk. it reminded me of New York
on a rare beautiful days. on the way back to the car from the poetry show
i sat down on the curb and listened to
they might be giants play most of their concert at
Stubbs. sitting there on the curb with my pocket full of money listening to a New York band who i saw many times in New York, and also ran into at a gas station, as well as in front of the museum of television and radio in the city, triggered all kinds of memories .. fond ones of home. of shaking my booty at their rock shows when everything was still magical for me. i felt magical again tonight. just sitting there.
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 26, 2001
i'm a dilletante. i want to be good at everything. nobody can appreciate an artform
without actually
doing it, and i want to appreciate every artform. when i was young the analytical side of
my mind was constantly stimulated. the artistic side was all but neglected.
blame public schools. whatever. i played a lot of nintendo.
about a year ago i realized this imbalance and began correcting it. i started
writing every day. i took up painting, photography, and web design.
i sucked at all three. i love the satisfaction of diving into a subject,
flailing about until i can stay afloat, sucking, not sucking, and finally
mastering.
i thought i was hot shit at web design until i met
natasha. she showed me some exceptional
sites that blew the doors off my then current site. so i flailed for a while, and now i'm back on top again. god bless
css.
i figured out what made a good weblog too. nobody cares about the schedule
of your bowel movements, or where you ate breakfast today. they come to connect.
they come to identify and to be identified. they hunger for personality and
hard assertions: the hot knife to cut through the butter of ambiguity,
political correctness, and polite company.
..and that's what i did on my summer vacation.
hi mom.
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 25, 2001
alright! this page is finally lookin' half-way decent. it's so.. so..
creamy! i just wanna lick it. mmmmm.
the other day at the store i picked up the new
tori amos cd. it's an
album full of covers. it's excellent. the inside liner notes contains pictures of her dressed up in all different clothes and hairstyles. as if there was any doubt that she was the sexiest bitch in music. rawr!
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 24, 2001
i'm pretty smart.. i could probably do a whole lot of jobs well -
and maybe even enjoy some of them. i just haven't the faintest clue
what i'd be good at. maybe i should do temp work until i land another
awesome software development job. harumph!
i think that as long as i find a job that will let me pay rent,
put food in my tummy, and not make me want to kill myself.. i think that's
all i really need. for now anyway.
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 23, 2001
this is my first attempt at a traditional weblog. i know it looks like ass
right now, but stick around, it's getting better all the time. the old site is still available, linked off the bottom of the page.
it's monday and the black cloud of unemployment hangs over my head like
a gallows.
my new lifestyle (every day)
up by 9am
down by 1am
exercise 30min
at least 2 good meals
meditate before bed
...and i've been feeling much better. thanks for not asking
natasha thinks
this picture is handsome. i think it's scary. judge for yourself:
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 22, 2001
Julie lent me the new Superchunk album "Here's To Shutting Up" and I've been
listening to it nonstop since. I have never been so excited about getting
a CD. It's a good one. The notes are burning their way into my brain.
I got accepted to be a reviewer for
The Weblog Review. I get to toss my opinion around like a big
sack of potatoes.
I'm learning serverside Java and Perl modules to gear up for a job
prospect. That has been keeping me very active lately. Well, as "active"
as anyone can be whilst sitting on their boney white backside.
I'm massaging
Natasha
in lieu of Modest Mouse tonight. She did some cool new things to her website lately. Check it out.
I'm thinking about adding discussion forums to this site. That way all the
whiney hypersensitive fucks will have a public outlet besides my
guestbook. What do ya think? I realy miss the community-style
feedback and input that BBS's had back in the day. Hrmph.
I'm gonna make an attempt to resocialize myself back into the warm inviting folds of society this weekend. Drinky winky dancey wancey, here I come.
Oh damn I need to get to HEB to get these pictures developed. I'll finish this later....
Back! The pictures came out great. I was so excited by my acquisition of an
Autofocus Pentax F1.4 50mm lens that I got a little crazy with the
cheez whiz and opened
the sucker up a bit far - resulting in a very short depth of field .. and ..
blurryness. Doh! Does it disturb anybody else that "Cheez Whiz" has it's own
little place on the internet? Like there are teeming hordes of black-and-white 50's style housewives who taste said product and are so taken by it's
deliciousness that they rush to the internet to discover how they can
incorporate it into more of their "meals". Yeah.
God, this entry sure took a cheezy turn. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
I'm gonna so something radical to the look of this site. I'm gonna have what
you see here be like the "second level" of the site. The "first level",
or "ground zero" if you prefer, will be a weblog-style page with a little link on the bottom to the second level. Fun stuff. That way I can do radical style
and layout changes to the front page (and look more like a traditional weblog)
while maintaining all of the site's squishy green functionality and
personality (aka "flava").
Natasha turned me on
(what's new?) to
Nesticle the other day. I downloaded a bunch of NES roms and played
M.U.L.E. for the first time in years. Gyrus is still as queer as it ever was. :)
At HEB (a texas supermarket) I read a publication put out by the
Better Business Bureau. It said that pirating software is unethical.
Do any of you have access to Master Of Orion 2? I seem to have lost my copy.
Fuji Superia Reala ISO100 is REALLY goddam smoove print film.
I am supremely impressed. If anybody knows how to get color slides and black-and-white negatives enlarged to around 12"x16" in a way that's suitable for framing (and
not fading) cheaply, let me know. Like if any of you happen to be photography
students (and have access to a darkroom) I'd be much obliged, and would make it worth your while. Bigger (like poster-size) would be awesome too.
I just transcribed the new Superchunk album. Here are the
lyrics to Superchunk's "Here's To Shutting Up".
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 19, 2001
I've been listening to so much "Cat Power" I think I might kill myself.
Not really though.
It's really amazing how completely we can adapt to our environment.
Not even rats are more contentable than us. Whatever situation we're in
- we can accept - and flourish.
I think that we as human beings crave stability most of the time.
Something to add a little structure to the oceans of chaos.
Change is a necessary and usually positive thing - if one can muster
a positive attitude. Some changes can be for the worse, but even then, much
can be learned.
Transitions can be uncomfortable. I think the trick to staying young
and mentally fertile is to have the courage to trudge through the
unknown and uncomfortable.
Instead of asking yourself, "do I like this?" try "CAN I like this?".
It's a lot more productive. Of course, I'm one of the most
amiable motherfuckers you'll ever meet. So mileage may vary.
To avoid making this one of those thoughtless over-generalized blogs I'll
let you know just what I'm talking about: the scary transition from
an independant indestructable single ladies man to a devoted and content
boyfriend, the lame and inadequate floundering transition from a
boring drag website to the present (and still inadequate) incarnation, the
transition from being a software developer to just collecting checks from the
state to gearing up to be a software developer again.
Also, my style in clothes has changed twice in the last year.
It's important
not to get too attached (pride-wise) to any one thing. Like a job. Or a
style. I didn't think that I could be a good boyfriend. I thought I liked
girls too much. But then I gave it a shot and found that I could.
My particular mind is driven as much by dissatisfaction is it is by the
prospect of a better tomorrow. It makes it convenient for the purpose
of burning the useless bridges of the past. I have an apendix - but I don't
use it. It's like that. You might wonder if I suffer from identity
dilution. Nope. I'm the same person - albiet a growing one. I love
the fact that I appreciate such a wide variety of interests, people, music,
attitudes, hobbies, art, etc. I love being a writer, photographer,
software developer, artist, pool shark, poet, lover, political activist, dancer,
and socialite all at the same time. I think the more things in this world that
we can relate to - the more things that CAN make us happy - the better off
we are.
I felt ripped off when I listened to the first Superchunk CD that I ever bought.
Upon successive listenings, however, they started to grow on me. Now they're
probably my favorite band ever.
I see people get so whiney when thy have bumps in their normally smooth
upper class male American lives. And no I'm not talking about buildings
getting blown up et al. I'm speaking of those aryan fucks who get upset when you
let them know that they just parked their BMW in a handicapped spot.
Money doesn't buy happiness. It can work just the opposite if you don't
have the right attitude. Material happiness is a very real and valid
satisfaction. Stuff makes me happy. I like taking lots of pictures and
playing with cameras and computers and traveling and driving zoomy zoom
shifter cars and going to movies and rock shows and someday wanna own
a big ole house and yard and puppy dog and children. All that stuff
takes money. If one doesn't have the money for it though, then that's the
carrot in front of the donkey. That's the item of lust. It's something to
work towards.
People whose means are greater than their apetite for stuff often are
just as miserable as those who don't have the means. People like to
hunger - people like to lust for just a LITTLE extra. If one doesn't have
to worry about how to pay for rent or the new Mercedes, then one's mind
may turn to power (political, social, sexual), or conquest (military, economic), or drugs or destruction.
This is how I justify being broke and happy. ;)
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 16, 2001
I am a human being.
You are a human being.
All human beings are imperfect.
We are all imperfect.
The things we do don't make sense.
We are squishy imperfect machines.
Brain chemicals suck.
I drank too much last night and got real emotional.
I puked my guts out, and chicken parmesan.
So, so messy.
I want to wash my brain out.
I don't want cruelty to be a part of me. I'm sorry.
I'm a dumb imperfect human being, and I'm sorry.
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 15, 2001
Saddam big ballin':
The Al
Hakam factory, which Hussein said produced animal
feed, was found to have produced 50,000 litres of
anthrax and botulinum. According to UNSCOM findings,
Iraq has produced 19,000 litres of botulinum, 8,400
litres of anthrax, 2,000 litres of aflatoxin (produces
liver cancer) and clostridium (gas gangrene). Iraq
has admitted to arming ballistic missiles with
botulinum, anthrax, and aflatoxin. Saddam said the
VX nerve project was a failure. He has now admitted
producing four tons of VX nerve agent. Over 600 tons of
VX precursors are not accounted for. These could make
200 tons of VX. One drop of VX is enough to kill dozens.
story here
bin Laden big ballin':
Officials from intelligence, military, emergency management and national security agencies say bin Laden is branching out: planning assassinations using �contact poisons,� obtaining �rudimentary� chemical and biological materials, trying to acquire radioactive material.
story here
bin Laden + Saddam 4 ever:
The U.S. alleges that on two different occasions in the early 1990s, a senior religious leader from Iran met with bin Laden's representatives in Khartoum to discuss putting aside religious differences ( bin Laden is a Wahabi Muslim, Iran is Shiite ) and cooperating against western interests.
Saturday morning Biological Weapon tidbits:
smallpox-
"Intelligence reports suggest that some of the Russian samples have made their way into the hands of terrorists, and this lay behind the US Government's announcement last month that it intended to keep its supplies beyond the June deadline."
story here.
"terrorists".... wonder who _they_ could be?
starting to see the big picture yet?
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 14, 2001
For all the coverage that the NYC situation has gotten, there has been
a disturbingly low raising of consciousness. The obvious question is "why?".
Why, why, why?
Here is a bunch more information. After WWII the US took Palestine from the
Palestinians and gave it to the Jews. The nation that they formed is
named Israel. The Palestinians' religion is Islam. The Islamic population
of the middle east resents the presense of the Jews in their former homeland.
The US and Israel are very tight. Many Jews in the US have family there.
Over the years there has been a lot of violence over the land occupied by
Israel.
During the 80s when the Russians invaded Afghanistan, bin Laden led Arab
resistance fighters against them. They were funded (and probably trained
and armed) by the Central Intelligence Agency.
story here.
Sometime since then, things have changed. We must have pissed them off pretty bad. I haven't figured it out yet. I'll keep digging for you, dear reader.
My previous entry may seem overly unsympathetic to the NYC disaster. I mourn
for the loss of my New Yorkers. I'm sad and angry. War is so bad. If we don't
use this horrible event to become more aware of the US's presense and actions
in the world - and discover the "why?" - Why would eighteen men give their
own lives to blow us to smitherines? What did we do to prompt this action?
And when we discover the answer to these questions, we will be compelled to
act on that knowledge. We will be morally obligated to hold our military
accountable for it's actions. We will demand it of our politicians, of our children in the military, and of our business leaders.
The curse of consciousness is responsibility. We can no longer afford to
blindly feed the machine that is the US military. We can't afford to
step on so many toes indiscriminately. We have felt the sting.
This country is extremely vulnerable to terrorism. All the money and
precautions and technology in the world cannot stop a single man who is
willing to die. We must become a better neighbor. Our neighbors have teeth
and are willing to use them. They have shown us this much.
Now is the time to learn that lesson.
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 13, 2001
Keep your eye on the oil. Afghanistan is in a critical position in the
middle east. Their position is so pretty that it's probably why
the USSR "invaded" in 1979. Taliban controls about 95% of Afghanistan
and protects Bin Laden. The US and Russia contemplated a joint military
assault against Islamic Militant Osama Bin Laden and the leadership of
Taliban on December 4 2000.
In 1998 the Clinton Administration
showered cruise missiles on guerilla camps in Afghanistan and an innocuous
drug plant in Sudan, killing over 100 civilians and fighters. The US then
embargoed(sp?) war-ravaged Afghanistan when many of it's 18 million
people were starving and homeless. The soviets slaughtered about
2 million Afghans between 1979 and 1989. Not to mention the 500000 killed by
landmines. The Russians and the US have been funding the "Northern Alliance",
which is controls the last 5% of the country. They are the losing side of the
decade-old civil war.
Long story short, the Russians and the US have been shitting on Afghanistan (where Bin Laden is) for at least twenty years. The country has more buried landmines than a teenager has pimples. As recently as Clinton, the US dropped lots
of bombs on them. We killed hundreds of civilians.
Next time you hear a newsperson describe the act as "senseless", the act of
a "lunatic", etc... realize that there is always a reason. That reason is
as close as a quick internet search on "afghanistan russia bin laden". While
not as expert on the matter by any means, I think it's pretty safe to say
that if in fact Bin Laden is indeed responsible for the attacks, he certainly
has more than enough justification.
Consider how bloodthirsty we are now: we are angry because we were attacked. we are angry because innocents were killed. we want revenge so badly that we're
willing to slaughter innocent Afghans (men, women, and children) to strike at
Bin Laden.
Is it any surprise then, considering history, that Bin Laden is willing to
attack us, and kill our innocents.
Bush is a war-loving pig. I think that we SHOULD "make a distinction". It's called "Justice". It's this concept that maybe innocents shouldn't die for the
politics of their government. It's the concept that two wrongs dont make a
right. And maybe for once that's what we're getting what we deserve. An
eye for an eye.
This was our wake-up call. This was Bin Laden shouting, "hey you imperialistic
pigs, how do YOU like how it feels to be bombed?". The day of the attack
the Afghan government stated, "we feel your pain". They know exactly how it
feels to be shit on from the sky. While you're at it, ask the Vietnamese if they can, "feel our pain" too. I bet they can relate.
Instead of seeking peace we're war-mongering. The military is strong and
ready to roll. And roll we will. We want blood - and we will have it.
They hate us for good reason. They attacked us and they're not white,
so we should blow the shit out of them. Blood, we want blood.
We are angry. That anger unites us as a nation. That anger lets us feel rightious when we murder.
"God bless." - George W. Bush
Wake up. Think. Take an hour out of your sheltered little life and read up on history. Make up your own damn mind.
Links:
The story
here.
Afghanistan -> USSR = Vietnam -> USA
most of the above facts were derived from the above links. the opinions expressed are mostly mine. i'm angry too.
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 12, 2001
This morning it all went down. An American Airlines flight originating
from Boston Mass with a full load of passengers
was flown into one of the World Trade Center Towers.
While video cameras from all major news stations transmitted the images
of the destruction to the first tower all over the world, another plane struck the second tower.
Both towers collapsed. A third commercial plane struck the outer edge
of the Pentagon, penetrating all the way into the inner courtyard.
This is the largest act of terrorism on US soil. Ever.
All flights have been grounded until further notice. As of now there
are still planes in the air that may also be hijacked.
Each of these planes originated from the northeast en route to the west
coast. That means that they had a full load of fuel. Jet fuel goes boom.
Boom boom boom.
There have been terrorist attacks on US stations in the middle east, but
nobody pays much attention to those. The world trade center buildings were
so huge. Everybody in NYC knows somebody who work(ed) there. These attacks hit us locally, and they hit us hard. And we will have blood for this. The American people will demand it.
Another thing to consider: The world trade center towers are the most
obvious comercial/civilian target in the nation. lots and lots of
human casualties. The Pentagon is the most obvious military target -
not so many casualties, but extremely symbolic. Both civilian and military
targets were hit.
A blurb on television suggested that the destruction today
will be used as justification for the erosion of civil liberties in the name
of increased intelligence capacities.
Watch out for that.
Thank fucking god it wasn't Anthrax or Nukes. It easily could have been.
So I'll leave you with these question: Why? The "who?" seems to point
to the middle east. I read in a magazine that the largest chunk of the
US military's budget... billions of dollars goes to just paying off one
of the middle eastern nations so they won't attack the other. Whose
toes have we been stepping on over there? Who did we piss off? I wish
I was more informed on this topic. Like so many in the US, I haven't
cared enough to adequately research it. It's far, far away, after all...
Boom!
Boom!
Boom!
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 11, 2001
Tim (the websiteless) and Karen took off for NYS. The day they left
Natasha introduced me
to cafe Momoko. It's this Japanese "Bubble Drink" shop that also sells
t-shirts, stylish gadgets, stationary, imported CD's, etc. Tim (the websiteless) would adore it. He's into all that Japanese stuff. The drinks are an
experience unto themselves. They're sweet and have these big chewy pearls of
gelatin floating around in em. They're really fun to drink. Wild, wild.
I invented a few games this past month. Check em out.
My sleep schedule is officially back on-track. I wake up at 8am without
extreme discomfort. For those of you who know me: no, Evan has not been
body-snatched by space aliens and replaced by a bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed
double. I've been sleeping really well.
Two nights ago I went to
storytelling event at Ruta Maya. It sucked SO MUCH ASS. It was massively overproduced
and tremendously undertalented.
Natasha and
Johnny
performed a stunning and pointed performance where
Johnny
recited a story criticizing the shallowness and homogeneity
of the vast bell curve of society while
Natasha did interpretive dance in a big poofy pink Barbie
princess dress while a small Casio keyboard tapped out the beat to Trio's
"Da Da Da". She bawled on stage. It was fasntastic. All the other storys were as boring as shit. A particularly
nausea-inducing performance was these two people (a couple) (with bad fake tans) telling the
story of how they met and fell in love. They made googley eyes at each other the
whole time. It was pathetic and distasteful.
I'm glad we had found chairs by then because I couldn't stand to watch it.(sic)
The internet is everywhere! I ran into Jessica (a cool chick I've been meaning to meet up with for the last couple months) and her creepy-ass ex-boyfriend. And everybody knew everybody somehow. Spookyness!
Natasha and I saw
Ghost World yesterday. I would recommend it. The lead character has a boomin' body. The cinematography is quality and beautiful. There are lots of funny
scenes too. Two thumbs up.
Now where's that jobby job... hmmm
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 09, 2001
Natasha
gave me a sweet-o mobile yesterday. It's all metal and shiny and rusty
and than goodness because I certainly need stuff for my room.
For the last few days I have been escorting Tim (the websiteless) and Karen
around Austin. I introduced Tim to Weezer-esque skinny people clothes at
Buffalo Exchange. Boys look better in clothes that fit them. I'm gonna
recycle my baggy skater-era clothes.
I seem to be getting back on a somewhat regular sleep schedule. I got up at
8am today. It's crazy how long the day is when one gets up this early
and doesn't have to work. Whodathunkit?
After critically considering my internet usage for the past few days, I
have concluded that email, building websites, reading a few select weblogs,
news/humor sites, and researching stuff are the only worthwhile uses.
Everything else just sucks time away. Chat has got to be the worst.
I picked up a book on Cascading Style Sheets at
Book People today. It seems like the non-retarded way
of making pretty websites these days.
God I love photography. Another
Natasha
shoot has been developed. God what a beauty. I'm gonna save my money for a
slide scanner, I think, instead of paying $1 for each 4x6 print. If anybody
knows of a free or cheap way to get slides scanned or printed, let me know.
If anybody has one, I'll do all the work. Just show me where.
I added a guestbook. Go sign it.
I'm gonna make an arty website.
I'm hungry. This is why I can wear skinny-people clothes. :)
evan go sleep now.
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Posted by Administrator on Sep 06, 2001
Tim and Karen flew in from NY today. I took Karen around while Tim slept for a few hours. The slides of
Natasha came out really well. Such a sexy mamacita. Around 10pm I started really crashing so I pumped myself full of caffeine at Ruta Maya. I was good to go, and am still flying high. I miss
Natasha like _crazy_.
She has made me a surprise gift. I'm practically peeing my pants in anticipation! I love surprises. All her friends at school are jealous apparently. I wonder what it issss. :>
I'm working on shaking my addiction to the internet. I resolved to not let
myself become addicted to anything bad, and I feel that I am now. Chat rooms
were the first to go. They are generally so degenerate and disrespectful, and
so incredibly inhuman. They suck up time and give no sense of real community,
friendship, or companionship. "Suck" was a good choice of words, too.
I went through and deleted all of the lame-o sexual weirdos from my instant
messager programs. Then I went through and deleted the people that I didn't know and had no intention of meeting. I have discovered that for all the
positive social aspects of internet culture, there are also very destructive
and dehumanizing aspects as well. Before accepting a technology into their
society, the Amish consider if it will have an overall (and longterm) positive or negative affect on their quality of life as a whole. They use cell phones because it encourages closer family connections. That's sortof like the process
that I'm going through now. Keeping the good and boiling off the bad.
The
personals are
particularly addictive. I've met a lot of cool people re: the personals,
and for them I am incredibly grateful. I also met a bunch while in "vampire cock" mode. Those are the people that I just deleted, and often regret ever
knowing. The personals make it so that the "red light district" is just a few
keystrokes away. I'm gonna kick it though. If there is _one_ thing I have,
it's willpower.
I am an attention whore. I am glad to have discovered that I can get
enough satisfaction from friendships, acquaintences, and companions without
actually sticking my dick in them. I have been building better relationships in the
last few months, and have been feeling less nasty about the people
I talk to on here.
In "As Good As It Gets" starring Jack Nicholson there is a line that goes,
"you make me want to be a better man". When I was in single-mode I was damn
good at seduction and conquest. I strove to be the most attractive
bachelor on the planet. Turning that off was hard to do, but I
did it. Deciding to be Natasha's boyfriend was more than just a resolution
to date one and only one (incredibly great) girl. It was a resolution to
become the best god damned boyfriend on the planet. The energy has been
successfully rechanneled. And what a lucky girl.
It is what we humans do in the absence of reward and punishment which
seperates us from the animals. Ethics, morals, codes of honor,
standards, our conscience. Lacking an activity that converts my raw
creative energy into cold hard cash (aka, "job"), I have let loose the
lion on my own damn self. Watch me become a better man. Just watch me.
Tonight I took Karen and Tim to see
Littermeet. They're awesome. The singer is a female version of
Kurt Cobain. Everybody in the band is super cool. Anyhow, there was a guy in
the audience dancing like a lunatic. What he was doing looked like a cross
between ska-mosh-thrashing and punk-rock-breakdancing. Very wild! At first I thought, "whoa, that guy is nuts". And then I saw how beautiful it was.
I love to witness people expressing themselves freely (and outragously)
without regard to what anybody else thinks. Beautiful, fucking beautiful.
Julie surprised me by showing up at Emos tonight. She brought along a
nice guy named Nick too. I bummed a ciggie from him. Agression is such
an obnoxiously toxic personality trait to me, especially for a guy to
have. (girls can sometimes get away with it because they're nice to look at)
I like guys without "teeth", without that sharp agressive edge. I was
pleasantly surprised to find that Nick was one of those good kinda guys.
At the mall today I picked up a deck of square playing cards. It goes
along with my whole "fuck rectangles" mantra. Squares are beautiful,
rectangles are ugly. It's hip to be square. no, really.
Here is concrete
proof. Mmmm. Medium format photography.
Tomorrow I get my "surprise" from
Natasha as well as her sweet lovin' arms wrapped around me. I can hardly wait.
Woowoo!
Continue Reading…
Posted by Administrator on Sep 03, 2001
I forgave
Natasha
and feel that we're stronger for having survived the bullshit.
Lies are so destructive. Lies to ourselves are the worst of all. Fuck, I better stop before this turns into a Henry Rollins song. ;)
My grandparents used to say, "be true to your teeth or they will be false
to you". That really doesn't have anything to do with anything, I just thought it fit.
Natasha and I went thrift store shopping the other day and picked up some
super sexy "skinny people" clothes for me. We tried different outfits on
in the dressing room. I looked like a model. With each outfit I tried on
I said a phrase that cooresponded to the character that I resembled. It was real fun. I love playing dress-up. And get this: I left there with 8 articles and sixteen dollars less in the wallet! :) woohoo.
In the evening we met Julie at Ruta Maya. We yacked and yacked and sipped coffee
and smoked cigarettes and played chess and yacked a little more. She's really cool. Our first new mutual friend! Best of all, she's not an obese hideous multiple-personalitied internet psychopath. Woohoo!
Natasha is so sweet. She made me a mixed tape so I don't have to listen to
christian evangelists, NPR broadcasts, and tejano music while driving around
in my Altima. She's got awesome taste in music. The first song on the tape
was "the girls just want to be with the girls" by the Talking Heads. I had
never heard it before, but it sure did rock. She put a lot of energy into
it, I could tell. She even put cool artwork on the cassette case.
I feel special.
:swoon:
and sleepy. nite nite.
Continue Reading…
Posted by Administrator on Sep 02, 2001
Natasha
recently told me that she made out with a guy while I was up in New York.
She did this before we were "technically exclusive". We were already
pretty intense by then. On my previous visit to NY I made out with a
delightful gal before becoming "technically exclusive" with the girl I
was with at the time.
It stirred up a lot of anger in me that I didn't know was there.
I saw "Scott" tonight. My adrenal gland dumped it's load into my
bloodstream. I walked up to him ready to tear his eyeballs out. I
introduced myself and told him that I didn't appreciate him making
out with my girlfriend. He said "you would do the same thing if a hot 17yo girl who had a boyfriend asked to come over and get naked". And no I wouldn't.
I told him that I wouldn't. I told him that "there were plenty of single
girls out there, and you don't have to go making out with ones that already have boyfriends". I had "respect, honor.. dignity", SOMETHING! I wanted to look him in the eyes but his gaze shifted left and right as he squirmed in front of me. He did look me in the eyes though when I shook his hand agreeing to "no more problems?".
The critical information that I _learned_ from this conversation was that his take on how it went down was that
Natasha PM'd him asking to come over and get naked.
Natasha's story is that she expressed her lonelyness and it was _he_ that suggested coming over, with the alcohol and nakedness (in that order) -just sortof happening- afterwards, and that it was -sortof mutual- about who initiated the "coming over" idea. So now I've got a decision about who to believe. This spineless fuck who has a clear and concise story, or my sweet
girlfriend who
"doesnt remember exactly" how it went down. And does it fucking matter? It's just another fuzzy splinter of distrust. I want to accept her story carte blanch, but my better judgement dictates otherwise.
I'm mad at myself that I didn't make her feel special enough. I'm mad that she
didn't think that I really liked her. I'm upset that she "wouldn't put it
past me" to mess around while up in New York. Before I left for NY she said,
"you better not go kissin strange girls when you're up there". And I said that I wouldn't. And I said the same thing to her and she said that she wouldn't. Whoa, while typing this I realize that it WAS explicitly exclusive. Well what the fuck.
Ok, so there's another lie. She lied to him about me being non-committal. I _had_ committed, at least so far as to not mess around with anybody else. As did she. Well fuck.
I believe in Karma - that what comes around goes around. We're rewarded for good deeds, and punished for bad deeds, all right here on Earth. Good meaning
obeying the ethical codes that we place on ourselves, and bad meaning when
we disobey them. Our conscience determines black from white.
And what a lucky guy Scott is if his conscience doesn't chew his insides all
to shit for the damage that he has perpetuated.
I feel like I had all this coming to me though. I feel like something the cat drug in. I deserve to feel this way because I made Jennifer feel like something the cat drug in about ten months ago. It came back swiftly and in disturbingly exact measure. This reinforces my faith in Karma/divine justice. (incidentally, she didn't forgive me)
So we figured out, dear reader, just now, you and me, that she bold-faced cheated. Now what? A lot of you are probably thinking, "dump the dumb bitch". If you're male (thus obsessed with justice), you might be thinking, "so go get frisky with some other girl". Those are both good answers. And what a PUSSY I am for not choosing one of them. What's this Jesus-like "turning the other cheek" bullshit. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better. Should I opt for going "non-exclusive"? There are certainly enough cute girls around who'd love to get their paws on yours truly.
Trust fucking eats my lunch. I have a hard time trusting myself too.
It took much willpower to NOT chase all those girls. I was in "single-mode"
and very happy with it. It would have been SO easy (and fun). Gah! I told myself, "i want to do this _right_, i want to keep this _pure_, i don't want to have to lie or hide anything from her". And what a big fucking idiot I was!
Ok, ok, that was then, and this is now. Things have changed. We have grown a lot tighter since then, and I believe her when she looks in my eyes and tells me that it won't happen again. I feel a lot for this girl. A scary lot.
She fits me much better (overall) than any girl I have ever dated. We click physically, musically. We both love photography. We compliment each other intellectually- my creativity is most analytical, hers is more aesthetic. It's a left-brain right-brain kindof thing. I'm more dominant, she's more submissive- we don't clash power-wise. I get along splendidly with her mother (who is a superbeing in her own right.). Everything just fits so fuckin' good. I couldn't easily throw that away. And I don't want to.
I feel like a sucker. I feel stupid, and I HATE feeling stupid.
I want my self respect back god dammit, and I want to trust again!
Continue Reading…
Posted by Administrator on Sep 01, 2001