November 2002 Archives
Jun 06, 2008
Yesterday I went with Rebecca and Sarah to get my hair cut. They took me to a 100% Spanish speaking beautique on the east side. I sat down and the lady pointed to photos of models and celebrities that were scotch taped next to the mirror. Living in Texas, I have the occasion to use some minimal Spanish that I learned in highschool. Unfortunately, "tapered", "long", "short", "medium" and "blended" are not in my vocabulary. The best I could muster was "no John Travolta".
The girls, having a much stronger grasp of the language, seized this opportunityto become little Spanglish chatterboxes. They directed the deforestation of my scalp while I sat meekly by with a sheepish grin on my face.
It turned out as well as can be expected. Come summer I may shave it all off. Sexy bald Evan time. Rawr.
I've had this inclination lately to clean up my look. Yesterday I also picked up a slick charcoal-colored Dickies jacket. A random passerby might suspect I was ex-military, if not for my babyface and the rock-star belt looped back around my ass like some rockabilly bondage freak.
Day One of my re-born appreciation of depth was a successful one. I let down some walls and allowed myself to feel vulnerable for the first time in a while. It fell on trusting and patient ears. 'Twas a good, good thing.
I have big plans on revamping Ye Olde Website, but I probably won't get to it for a month due to time constraints with school. I intent on adding a "friends" page with profiles and photos of my friends here in Austin (making Austin even smaller). Also, I will bring more of my portfolio online and lay it out in a more accessible gallery format with thumbnails and everything. I may even add the ability for you to leave comments after each entry. The kids seem to dig that these days. Email any suggestions you have for the site to koax@koax.org.
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Posted by Administrator on Nov 13, 2002
Somehow I have not noticed that I've let my mind anesthetize itself to pain recently. Recently meaning the last six months.
Nothing ventured => nothing gained.
And I've realized that I haven't ventured much in a long, long time.
I think this process of calcification probably began during my period of unemployment and temporary homelessness. The severe necessity of holding my emotional state together had this "hardening" effect. I build a shell. It held me together at the time. I learned to be self-sufficient. To not need anything outside of myself. I even stopped eating for a while there.
I realize now that it was really just a heaping assload of distrust. Distrust in the world to provide for me. Distrust in people to act emotionally consistently. Distrust in the way that things have a way of working out.
And I didn't notice when it never stopped....
I used to live so intensely. I heart sung in joy and writhed in pain all the time. It hasn't done either for a while now. And that bothers me.
It's clear that I've swung too far.
The line between crushing with weight and evaporating from disinterest probably isn't a very fine one. It just feels like it right now.
It's amazing. Clobbering down this one aspect of my personality allowed me to survive and function fairly well. I went through all the motions of living a cheerful, happy, normal Evan existence. I got a job, got in school, got my life back on track. But my heart neither sings nor feels pain. Just this odd metallic constraint.
The few times that I've gotten excited lately and went to open up the door to the wrought iron cage that is my heart, that door was almost immediately slammed closed.
Today is "Let's Be Grateful For Non-Bitter Ex-Lover's Day" for helping me realize this tonight.
Trust.
Coming soon to an Evan near you.
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Posted by Administrator on Nov 11, 2002
There exists a misconception that for a person to have many significant people in his life, each person much receive proportionally less regard. For the sake of argument, let's call this regard "specialness".
Here is the formula:
(above formula = complete horseshit)
As the number of significant people in one's life increases, so increases:
1) One's total capacity to love.
The more people around, the greater the number of opportunities to have meaningful interractions, thus, a greater capacity to love.
2) One's appreciation for each person as a special and unique individual.
In order to appreciate a person for what they are, we have to know what they're not. Knowing a variety of people, all with their own unique strengths, weaknesses, and quirky personality traits, is a good (if not the only) way to gain this perspective.
Here's a question for you that my teachers might call an "active learning exercise". Gah.
If a person was friends with everybody in the world, and out of everybody, he/she chose to spend time with you, would you feel more or less special than if the person had few or no friends?
Ok, enough cerebral analytical math bullshit. Let's get personal. I wrote this entry because I discovered that an ex-lover vilified me to a girl that I had been smooching occasionally at the time. She told her that no girl was ever special to me, and said that she must be just another one in a long line of insignificants. She was successful in her vilification, and I resent her intensely for that. As best as I can figure, she deluded herself with these mis-truths about me as some sort of coping mechanism, all because I didn't want her the way that she wanted me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
And that's the truth.
It sucks when things go sour, but I prefer to at least be polite. Oh well. This single life sure has it's pitfalls.
-dramatic change of topic-
And now a little something for the occasional hetero-sexual male who reads the site. Check out my adorable friend Karyn!
You may recognize her from the hit-and-run adventure we had
BACK IN THE DAY. Yep, this is K-rims in the all-too-cute flesh.
She's 23, single, thin, kindof shortish, and lives here in Austin. She needs a man to keep her warm on these cold Texas winter nights and to treat her like the lady she is. Karyn likes rock music and funky Austin haunts. I've seen her dance, and boys, watch out! She puts J-LO to shame. That's not to imply that Karyn has a ghetto-booty. Oh no, quite the opposite. Her ass is so fine it's like two grapefruits kissing. She dresses like a rockstar. She isn't failing out of college or anything. No readily apparent psychotic disorders. And she has her own wheels, too. Damn, that is one smoooooooove ride.
So boys, write to Karyn at
Karyn@koax.org today. Send a photo, age, and telephone #, and if you're not too lame, you just might be the lucky fella who gets to take her out.
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Posted by Administrator on Nov 08, 2002
